Archive for March, 2006
I am having doubts about myself here at the end of this game. I have not made my date nights, wedding/honeymoon plans a priority. My business is not fun because I have to do most of the planning and managing rather than speaking, coaching and relationship management. I have developed some “lumps” physically that have me a bit concerned that I have not gotten
checked out.
I don’t know why the doubts are happening now? I am wondering if my business is really structured in a way that works for my life. I am upset that I can make so many things happen but short change my closest relationship. It bothers me that I have time to do the jobs of others in company but no time for a doctor’s appointment.
Something is wrong. I can’t put my finger on it but it is starting to really bother me. I don’t regret anything but I am starting to have doubts about the way my life is structured.
Why is it that every game you get something great that you didn’t ask for and every game you see something about yourself that you would rather not. Guess there’s no sense in trying to hide from myself.
No regrets but I do have some doubts…
March 28th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
March 25th, 2006
Dhrumil Purohit
Got back from Orlando and keynoting the major conference for the leadership of the insurance industry. As the opening kickoff keynote speaker it was already a high pressure position to execute from but add to that the person who brought me in is both the President and my daily
partner and the stakes were even higher than usual.
The feedback I got was that for some it was the highlight of the several day long conference. For some it was said by them to be 45 minutes that changed their lives. For me it was 45 minutes of intense pressure. The Board members seemed to be pleased and my workshop went from standing room only to people sitting in chairs several rows out of the room into the
hall. I will take that all to mean I did my job well though I am kicking myself for at 3 obvious and stupid mistakes I know that I made. I am lucky to have such a great coach in Brooke she immediately slapped me back into reality and reminded me that what was important was that I gave it my all.
Near the end a man younger than me and more fit than me, married 7 years and with a 7 year old daughter told Brooke and then me that he has only 5 more months to live based on what the doctors have predicted about a cancerous condition that he has. I am moved that a man who might have only several months to live would want to play the game…this is the reason why I at times have so little patience for my own lame excuses…I am pretty sure that though I was going to pass on any new partners for my next game that he and I will play together. There is much I can learn from a man with his courage and valor.
I got in bed from my flight and nonstop work in Orlando around midnight and was on the phones starting at 4am to get my work day going and one of my partners is going through an incredibly painful time in one of his close personal relationships. That conversation and his pain was like a
triple shot of expresso and shocked me out of my usual “woe is me” my life is so hard routine that I run after a stressful and packed round the clock schedule. Went to Florida and was outside 3 times, once to get in the hotel from the car, once to run for 30 minutes and once to get back in the car and leave to come home. 3 days and only one exercise session, time to
get back on track.
March 23rd, 2006
Dhrumil Purohit
I can see now so many things that I could not see before, my deep introversion, how I have come out from under some horrible self esteem issues, how my self esteem issues showed up the most in my relationships. It has taken a healthy relationship with Brooke to show me that the issue in my past relationships had less to do with the ladies in my life and more to do with my own deep seeded sense of unworthiness.
This Game has been a tough fight and I struggle with my desire to hide, not share to go back into my cave until it is all over.
I spoke yesterday with my philosophy school brother from when we we kids almost 20 years ago, Greg. I miss him. That same morning my brother and I spoke and he is signing up for Jujitsu. Oddly enough Greg has also been studying Jujitsu which I did not know. I got present to that there is something about both of them that I was always uncomfortable with. When I looked deeply I could see that they both were rule “benders”. Like Greg would bring candy to the weekend spiritual retreats up in Wallkill NY and I always thought that was wrong. What I can see now is that the reason I react the way I do to rule benders is because I am such a “rule follower”.
It is only now that I can see this rigid aspect of myself which I projected onto others all my life as my discomfort with them.
I wrote the largest and most important proposal of my career to date yesterday. I sat down to work at 5am on a call with the chairman of GAMA and besides a 1 hour workout almost did not get up from my chair until 5pm. I had the advantage of knowing that I was clearing the decks before leaving to speak and that I didn’t want my mind occuppied with what I hadn’t gotten done so the 12 hours was not really hard on me (amazing what imaginary little games can do to you). I now have the most important presentation of my career in front of me on Monday and as my partner Barry coached me “don’t suck”.
In 2 weeks I face my avoidance of writing the narrative for my film GAME 27 so that we can get it edited for a June release…another huge challenge for me as I avoid things I have never done and am not good at. I am also avoiding going back into the recording studio to rerecord my first song and to write and record my second. About a week after that I start shooting the television show. I gave up my end of game prize of time off because it was the only time available to train the kids. I must come up with an even better prize than I had planned because I can already
feel some inner resentment towards myself building up. Presenting to the leadership of the insurance industry globally, writing my film, shooting the television show…the next 21 days will have a huge impact on the course of my company, my career, The Game and the difference that I can make in the lives of others…as Barry said “a really bad time to suck”.
Pray for me.
March 18th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
Outside my window this morning there were dolphins playing around which ispretty often these days. I was on back to back coaching calls and actually got in a very brief nap along with my morning meditation and a light first workout for the day. About midday I saw what looked like a
whale close to shore but I was too into the heat of my coaching to really take a look and whales are not something you see around here. After several helicopters, coast guard trucks and boats went whizzing by Brooke told me that the “whale” I saw outside my window was a plane that had
crashed and that someone was killed and they were looking for a suvivor. I must have been looking at it when it first crashed when it looked like a whale with it’s tail out of the water.
I must say here at the end of the day that after starting with a 4am partner call and working almost straight from 5am till now almost 8pm I am tired, crabby and slightly depressed. I only drank a 1/2 gallon of water so I am sure that dehydration is wrecking havoc on my emotions right now.
I was so beat that I had to call my daughter and my brother both to tell them I was too tired to talk. My brother is signing up for a transformational training course and my daughter just started school in her new hometown of Boston. I have never had my brother and my daughter call me and leave me messages before, so my game is definitely working when it comes to relationship…it’s just that right now I am crashing and I can feel the negativity that comes with it coming over me…I am going to get in a brief second workout, meditate and go to sleep…still have a lot of work to do…this is stacking up to be a tough week. I heard that the two people in the crash died…one of them was a well known game show host, my two partners in the television show are both game show hosts I wonder if they know the guy who died. He and his wife died flying a plane to carry patients in need of help. They died while on a mission to save
someone else’s life. The game show host and his wife must of been some pretty incredible people…tired.
March 13th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
We worked out the details on the television production schedule for the prime time television show on ABC with me leading The Game for kids and it is right around the corner. Of course, given the vacation schedule of the kids the time that is needed falls right on my vacation week. So much for my vacation. I Will have to find another way to reward myself and recoup from this game in terms of time off.
It’s Sunday evening and I’ve had about 12 hours or so off and the rest of the time has been spent just getting caught up on emails. I still have my largest business proposal of the year to write, the proposal for the tv show to finish and in 7 days I give the largest speech and likely most important speech of my career…things have taken an intense turn in this game.
My relationships are going great…in fact, never better. Just spent the week visiting with friends and clients in NYC and then spent the weekend in Boston with my game partner Barry. Even got to visit with my daughter who has just moved to Boston. Had dinner with her and her mom and Barry, I can tell that they both fell in love with Barry…to know him is to love him. My brother and I are working hard on getting our relationship back on track. Brooke saw me through a challenging week of travel and despite the intensity of her own work makes time to be my biggest source of support and energy.
All of that aside I stepped on the scale this morning and I am back to 200lbs. To say I am irritated with myself would be an understatement. I will refrain from cursing here at my blog. Back to 2 a day workouts and a gallon of water a day till I can get myself back down in weight…only this time I am not going to give myself the option of going back up. I am going back to training for a triathalon as well as getting my black belt in jujitsu and training for a competition. Without some structure that is always there to bump up against I go unconscious and the weight creeps up on me. Having people twice my age run circles around me and people half my age kick my butt seems to be just the inspiration I need. I turned up the heat on myself today and there’s no taking it off.
March 13th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
March 7th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
Well I bottomed out about emotionally and was able to avoid a likely bout of depression by simply surrending. Little Marty is dead and there is nothing I could of done about it. My daughter is traveling across country and she is in God’s hands not mine. Roger had a heart attack and all of the missing in the world won’t bring him back. I reconciled myself that being unproductive was no way to serve the living and it is no way to honor the dead.
I coached powerfully all day on Tuesday and only had to change my schedule in a way that affected one call due the emergency some of this has created. I got on the phones today with the television producer who is putting me in front of the New York school superintendents and giving us a shot at a network television show and a chance to transform 150,000 childrens lives.
Last night I watched Pat Finn deliver The Game to an incredible group of people as I did Sensei Ron last week and we have successful brought The Game to atheletes and celebrities effective as of this morning. Watching them was just what I needed to get back in the game…a dose of my own medicine delivered by two men whose very presence causes transformation.
Prayer, surrender, meditation, the reading of scripture this is what is most missing from my game right now. I have fallen into the usual trap of thinking that all of this means something and that somehow I am going to get somewhere. I have bought into the illusion that I can somehow control The Flow…this is a constant mistake…I must let go and be at one The Flow…after all, I know how the story ends, the beauty is to be found in the playing for ultimately as Will Smith said in the movie Bagger Vance about golf “it’s a game that can’t be won only played”.
March 1st, 2006
Sarano Kelley