Falling Down

I got back from Mexico and being with my partner Jon (who is fighting cancer) and his wife Robin for my upcoming Game 31 and I feel like I descended into hell. I am avoiding writing in my blog.

I am upset, emotional and depressed. I feel alone and am having deep feelings of resentment towards myself and my life.

I wasn’t home from what little break I could get and my family in Brooklyn is going through crisis, my business partners call me in crisis and then last night in my personal relationship I started going through crisis. In the last 48 hours I don’t think I have had more than 6 hours of real
sleep.

I am in the midst of a massive pity party that begins with “no matter what I do it’s never good enough” and ending with “no one gives a damn about me and it doesn’t matter if it kills me as long as I get the job done”. It is a nasty, nasty and familiar place to be. Sarano the self proclaimed martyr…God I hate this part of myself.

To make matters worse I can’t even vent or be honest about my problems because people around me would be hurt or because I am more concerned about hurting them than the damage it does to me to live a lie or better yet there are the well intentioned people who want me to feel better by getting rid of my painful feelings…at the same time don’t I always want to allieviate the pain of others in truth because I don’t want to have to deal my discomfort with their pain…my self centeredness runs deep, very, very deep. Please don’t die because it would be too painful for ME to have to miss you…so please live so I can then go on being busy while
taking you for granted…but you can count on me to be at your funeral with a tear in my eye all upset about how I will miss you…I could throw up.

I know this will pass but my two greatest enemies depression and despair have me in their grip and it is my fear of them that gives them power over me. I can’t handle pain, suffering…my own or others. Of course, I know it is upseting to many people to even get that I have these feelings.

I despair that I will ever reach a place of “detachment” that I am too busy liking parts of myself and life while making the parts of myself and life that I don’t approve of wrong…who died and made me Boss. I may never reach the place where I can be objective to myself. As a result I live in a self imagined world tossing and turning in my sleep and will likely die in that sleep…dreaming all along that I was alive…dreaming that I was somehow doing “good”.

I want sunshine but no rain, I want life but no death, I want to look good and not have to work for it, I want to help but not if it’s too painful to me. I want to have a deeper connection with God as long as it is pleasant, easy, acceptable in my eyes and doesn’t cost me anything I am unwilling to pay. I am a child…a child who refuses to grow up.

I am going through post game trauma and it is nasty…and I hate that I shared this with anyone and am ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I want to run away and hide.

21 comments April 18th, 2006 Sarano Kelley