A message to Jason…
April 19th, 2006 Sarano Kelley
Jason,
Once again you have found the key to the lock I am struggling with. I just got present to the fact that I am very angry that Jon could die. This has been hidden from me by myself. That I am attached to him living and that the result for me unconsciously is a level of pain. I can see from this pain the need for liberation…not just from this situation but in life…”desirelessness is indeed the highest bliss”.
This is the ongoing struggle with The Game for me, how to play without attachment. How to give something your all, to give your best as if everything matter and to then leave the field of play (life) as if none of it mattered.
How to play powerfully even if I know that I can’t win, that I won’t look good…to play for the sake of playing, to play to honor those who have gone before me. Jon even asked me “why do you play games that you know you can’t win?”, “why do you try and do things that you know can’t be done?” My answer was that I do not want the “likelihood” of success to control my life. That I did not want to be controlled by what was probable. That I wanted to play my life for what is possible and impossible. That I want to play for love playing.
Thank you for your words of wisdom cited below:
“You continually face the fear…
A few thoughts from M:
Q: Still, you are angry sometimes.
M: With whom am l to be angry and for what? Anger came and dissolved on my remembering myself. It is all a play of gunas. When I identify myself with them, I am their slave. When I stand apart, I am their master.
My friend, you see it. Whether you like it or not, while relevant to how you feel is irrelevant to that simple fact that you SEE it. It truly means that all hope is not lost… just postponed…
Q: But the child (the mind) kicks. When it is unhappy or denied anything it kicks.
M: Let it kick. Just look at the kicking. And if you are too afraid ofthe society to kickconvincingly look at that too. I know it is a painful business. But there is no remedy — except one — the search for remedies must cease.
If you are angry or in pain, separate yourself from anger and pain and watch them. Externalization is the first step to liberation.”
As I said to Gordy one of the superintendents from the Capitol Region Game that is launching on the ABC TV affiliate next Tuesday “I have a lot to learn”.
Entry Filed under: Game 30
19 Comments Add your own
1. J | April 20th, 2006 at 6:56 am
There’s something that continues to show up for me when I read your posts.
It involves the blind spot… what appears to be “bad and ugly.â€
Perhaps this is just my misinterpretation of what the blind spot truly is, but it appears from reading your writings now for 16 months that there is something else there…
A constant theme continues to run through times when you are experiencing pain… you have a sense of “loss.â€
Loss of Mom’s love with the birth of your brother…
Loss of personal security with the event where your blind spot was formed…
Loss of the kids in the fire…
Loss of Christine…
Loss of relationship… fear to engage personal relationships because there is fear of potential loss…
I don’t know if any of this is real and it is certainly not meant in a negative manner… just curiosity about whether there is anything here around this idea of “loss.â€
Is it possible that you have recruited “bad and ugly†to cover up for the sense of “loss†all around you?
After all, if you are handsome enough and good enough you’ll win… and if you play a game you’re forced into facing the fear of loss.
I have no idea if any of this makes sense; it’s just something that pops up for me when I read your writings… constant fear over perceived loss… kind of like the recurring dream about the keynote going bad. Flying… Marriage… Daughter’s love… Jon’s death… Mike G.’s passing…
Is it possible that your blind spot is really about loss? The wound so deep that it remains hidden?
I appreciate your willingness to continue to look inside and find the way out… it is not always pretty but the end result is pretty amazing…
I’m glad the notes were a help… let me know if there is anyway I can serve.
Best wishes,
J
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