Game Stalling Tactics

May 3rd, 2006 Sarano Kelley

Jason: It is amazing to me in one way that we would kill over our attachment and yet so sad that the door has been open the entire time. We (read: me) are so scared (attached)of having that which we desire that we would simply rather remain imprisoned.

In those moments of “clarity” did you consciously choose to go back to sleep or did it “happen?”

Sarano: As a kid I would always “stare” out the window…thinking about nothing…this made adults very nervous, they would ask me things like “are you bored?” or say things like “why don’t you go out and play or watch some television”. Soon I got the message “I must look busy and
important or people will think something is wrong with me” or “it is not okay to just be I MUST DO”. I have lived my life trying to impress people every since.

At age 12 I went on a 13 day long fast on water alone, when my mother found out she made me eat. The experience though was the first time I “consciously” chose to create an “opening”. Later in life it would occur again, seemingly by accident. During one such deep period of awareness, presence, I knew when it started exactly how it would end “I will want to keep it and that is how I will lose it”…of course that is exactly what happened, after about 5 days I became attached to being unattached and the world returned as something “I need to get through” rather than something that was taking place “through me”.

The last “opening” changed me profoundly…the accumulation of my various games came to a head unexpectedly and the shift was permanent. I do not have “conscious” access to the depths of that opening but the mark that it left on me is unalterable. There is a level of freedom that I gained which can never be lost even when I am so deluded as to think that “It” is far from me…”It” is never far from me.

At the same time, to answer your question, I do not think that I consciously chose to go back to being unconscious. The desire to be “normal” and to be “accepted” after years of not being accepted because I was a stutter, black, poor, a book worm, a nerd, skinny, weird, a “white
boy”, uncle Tom, etc is very strong. This desire to be accepted is like gravity no matter how high I jump it pulls me back to the ground with a “thud”.

My goal in this next game is to complete the material aspects of my game and to play a solely inner game. This level of play takes a degree of honesty that I can only at this time pretend to have. This level of play takes a level of concentration I can currently only fantasize about. I am delaying playing my current game because on some level I am afraid to move to this next level of play. However, my partner Jon is now out of the hospital and my stalling tactics have just about run out.

Entry Filed under: Post Game