Posts filed under 'Game 30'
Jason,
Once again you have found the key to the lock I am struggling with. I just got present to the fact that I am very angry that Jon could die. This has been hidden from me by myself. That I am attached to him living and that the result for me unconsciously is a level of pain. I can see from this pain the need for liberation…not just from this situation but in life…”desirelessness is indeed the highest bliss”.
This is the ongoing struggle with The Game for me, how to play without attachment. How to give something your all, to give your best as if everything matter and to then leave the field of play (life) as if none of it mattered.
How to play powerfully even if I know that I can’t win, that I won’t look good…to play for the sake of playing, to play to honor those who have gone before me. Jon even asked me “why do you play games that you know you can’t win?”, “why do you try and do things that you know can’t be done?” My answer was that I do not want the “likelihood” of success to control my life. That I did not want to be controlled by what was probable. That I wanted to play my life for what is possible and impossible. That I want to play for love playing.
Thank you for your words of wisdom cited below:
“You continually face the fear…
A few thoughts from M:
Q: Still, you are angry sometimes.
M: With whom am l to be angry and for what? Anger came and dissolved on my remembering myself. It is all a play of gunas. When I identify myself with them, I am their slave. When I stand apart, I am their master.
My friend, you see it. Whether you like it or not, while relevant to how you feel is irrelevant to that simple fact that you SEE it. It truly means that all hope is not lost… just postponed…
Q: But the child (the mind) kicks. When it is unhappy or denied anything it kicks.
M: Let it kick. Just look at the kicking. And if you are too afraid ofthe society to kickconvincingly look at that too. I know it is a painful business. But there is no remedy — except one — the search for remedies must cease.
If you are angry or in pain, separate yourself from anger and pain and watch them. Externalization is the first step to liberation.”
As I said to Gordy one of the superintendents from the Capitol Region Game that is launching on the ABC TV affiliate next Tuesday “I have a lot to learn”.
April 19th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
April 11th, 2006
Dhrumil Purohit
Just finished up Consciousness Camp and I have had one of the best weekends of my life. There is so much synchronisity showing up in my life here at the end of Game 30. Before even going to camp I met this incredible woman who is was an inspiration from the moment I laid eyes on her. It turns out that Sandy ends up taking the same personal development course as my business partner and friend Paul and the two of them meet and discover that they have me in common.
This weekend at Camp as part of the Saturday night pajama party we watched the movie Crash and my teacher Sensei Ron was there. In the movie the guy who plays Matt Dillon’s dad was also played Sensei Ron’s dad in the first movie role that he did before staring in Karate Kid.
I had prayed for a miracle at the end of this game and got two things that I did not expect…a Godson and my Sensei asking me if I would perform the wedding ceremony of him and my other teacher Sensei Stacy June 30th. I would say that between these two interactions and watching
a frighten little boy transform before my eyes as did all of the adults and everyone of the children I had the best weekend of my life. It is hard to convey in words how powerful the experience was and it may take me a long time to process it but I absolutely fell in love with every person there with not a single person left out.
Patrick also gave me feedback on how much he appreciates this blog and what a difference it makes which was both the pat on the back and the kick in the pants that I needed.
My mentees had a chance to clean up and solidify their relationship to each other. Luch and Sara two of my team members showed up with their 6 week old son who has such a peace about him that it affected us all.
Here in the final hours I have still to reach my college friend Mike whose dads health is failing and my best friend from high school Fred. At the same time I just got finished with a weekend that enlarged my heart and my sense of family all at the same time. I expect the same will be the case with the young people in Albany for the tv show and my next daily partner Jon as we go through his health assessment at Sanoviv starting Wednesday.
April 10th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
Here we are near the end of this game and I need to reach out to my friend Mike whose dad is not doing well. My fiancee has been kind of enough to to support me with all that I have on my plate especially with my upcoming meditation retreat and the television show. There is no denying the fact that the stress on us is very high. I think she is also really hurt by what Jon is going through with the cancer…it is in her nature to be sensitive to the pain of others.
I must admit that holding the Albany Team together is taking a fair amount of energy. I know to expect that since all of my teams require energy until they begin to develop their own momentum but with the possible impact this could have on so many kids I see the stakes as very high.
I had a panic attack on my flight out to Montreal and boy do they suck. I don’t know which I hate more panic attacks (which leave me feeling like a coward) or depression (which leaves me feeling like a loser). I refused to let the panic attack last a second more than it took for the emotions to fall away. I refuse to be bullied by my weaker emotions and taken advantage of by my so called better emotions.
It’s not looking good but I have had dreams about my oldest friends Fred and Kevin from high school who I have not spoken to in years. Also my friend from college Mike’s dad is battling cancer…I am close to being complete about this game but without making these last few connections I would end my game with some level of regret…I am challenged.
April 6th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
This game is going to go into overtime. I will not finish it up until I complete filming the television show in Albany. I coach all day Monday, fly to Montreal all day Tuesday, speak all day Wednesday, get back for client relations work all day Thursday and then on Friday, Sat and Sunday I am at Consciousness Camp round the clock (where I may end up forgoing sleep for most of that period of time). I then coach all day Monday in Albany next week, film the television show and work with the kids all day Tuesday…game over…I head to Mexico for several days (Wed-Sunday) as the prize and recovery from my game.
I ate at a raw food restaurant tonight (it actually felt good though the taste left something to be desired) and have set them up to start delivering my food (thank God Brooke is pushing me). I emailed my friend Doc and asked him to be my meditation/yoga coach and this Saturday
restarted therapy for my relationships. My personal trainer is working well with me but I do need her to get jujitsu mapped over into my training program. I must end this game with the fundamentals of my life spirit, relationships, health, business handled and in a consistent, upward moving, process.
Okay so what am I really dealing with…I have Jon on my mind. I got the pictures of him, his wife and his kids…Brooke just broke down and cried. I intend to spend my next game mirroring the advice I know he is going to get from the health facility we are raising money to send him to, Sanoviv in Mexico. I expect that much of my game will be about cleansing the body, healing the heart, clearing the mind and acceptance. I am sure I need it just as bad if not more but Jon is on a deadline…the doctors have given him only until September.
I have not yet come up with my plan for raising money for the alternative health care that gives him a fighting chance. If he went with the traditional route all they can promise is that he would spend his life on a feeding tube as a vegetable and that is not the way he wants to go.
I often think about dharma…destiny…fate. I have had a taste of the Source and I know that no amount of additional time in life can compare to IT. That nothing comes close to the oneness of IT. The question is can Jon and I reach IT before September. Will we accept what IT has to offer and be at peace with whatever IT “decides”. IT is not our condition or our circumstances that define us for IT is beyond conditions and circumstances.
April 3rd, 2006
Sarano Kelley
This game is going to go into overtime. I will not finish it up until I complete filming the television show in Albany. I coach all day Monday, fly to Montreal all day Tuesday, speak all day Wednesday, get back for client relations work all day Thursday and then on Friday, Sat and Sunday I am at Consciousness Camp round the clock (where I may end up forgoing sleep for most of that period of time). I then coach all day Monday in Albany next week, film the television show and work with the kids all day Tuesday…game over…I head to Mexico for several days (Wed-Sunday) as the prize and recovery from my game.
I ate at a raw food restaurant tonight (it actually felt good though the taste left something to be desired) and have set them up to start delivering my food (thank God Brooke is pushing me). I emailed my friend Doc and asked him to be my meditation/yoga coach and this Saturday
restarted therapy for my relationships. My personal trainer is working well with me but I do need her to get jujitsu mapped over into my training program. I must end this game with the fundamentals of my life spirit, relationships, health, business handled and in a consistent, upward
moving, process.
Okay so what am I really dealing with…I have Jon on my mind. I got the pictures of him, his wife and his kids…Brooke just broke down and cried. I intend to spend my next game mirroring the advice I know he is going to get from the health facility we are raising money to send him to, Sanoviv in Mexico. I expect that much of my game will be about cleansing the body, healing the heart, clearing the mind and acceptance. I am sure I need it just as bad if not more but Jon is on a deadline…the doctors have given him only until September.
I have not yet come up with my plan for raising money for the alternative health care that gives him a fighting chance. If he went with the traditional route all they can promise is that he would spend his life on a feeding tube as a vegetable and that is not the way he wants to go.
I often think about dharma…destiny…fate. I have had a taste of the Source and I know that no amount of additional time in life can compare to IT. That nothing comes close to the oneness of IT. The question is can Jon and I reach IT before September. Will we accept what IT has to offer and be at peace with whatever IT “decides”. IT is not our condition or our circumstances that define us for IT is beyond conditions and circumstances.
April 3rd, 2006
Sarano Kelley
I am having doubts about myself here at the end of this game. I have not made my date nights, wedding/honeymoon plans a priority. My business is not fun because I have to do most of the planning and managing rather than speaking, coaching and relationship management. I have developed some “lumps” physically that have me a bit concerned that I have not gotten
checked out.
I don’t know why the doubts are happening now? I am wondering if my business is really structured in a way that works for my life. I am upset that I can make so many things happen but short change my closest relationship. It bothers me that I have time to do the jobs of others in company but no time for a doctor’s appointment.
Something is wrong. I can’t put my finger on it but it is starting to really bother me. I don’t regret anything but I am starting to have doubts about the way my life is structured.
Why is it that every game you get something great that you didn’t ask for and every game you see something about yourself that you would rather not. Guess there’s no sense in trying to hide from myself.
No regrets but I do have some doubts…
March 28th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
March 25th, 2006
Dhrumil Purohit
Got back from Orlando and keynoting the major conference for the leadership of the insurance industry. As the opening kickoff keynote speaker it was already a high pressure position to execute from but add to that the person who brought me in is both the President and my daily
partner and the stakes were even higher than usual.
The feedback I got was that for some it was the highlight of the several day long conference. For some it was said by them to be 45 minutes that changed their lives. For me it was 45 minutes of intense pressure. The Board members seemed to be pleased and my workshop went from standing room only to people sitting in chairs several rows out of the room into the
hall. I will take that all to mean I did my job well though I am kicking myself for at 3 obvious and stupid mistakes I know that I made. I am lucky to have such a great coach in Brooke she immediately slapped me back into reality and reminded me that what was important was that I gave it my all.
Near the end a man younger than me and more fit than me, married 7 years and with a 7 year old daughter told Brooke and then me that he has only 5 more months to live based on what the doctors have predicted about a cancerous condition that he has. I am moved that a man who might have only several months to live would want to play the game…this is the reason why I at times have so little patience for my own lame excuses…I am pretty sure that though I was going to pass on any new partners for my next game that he and I will play together. There is much I can learn from a man with his courage and valor.
I got in bed from my flight and nonstop work in Orlando around midnight and was on the phones starting at 4am to get my work day going and one of my partners is going through an incredibly painful time in one of his close personal relationships. That conversation and his pain was like a
triple shot of expresso and shocked me out of my usual “woe is me” my life is so hard routine that I run after a stressful and packed round the clock schedule. Went to Florida and was outside 3 times, once to get in the hotel from the car, once to run for 30 minutes and once to get back in the car and leave to come home. 3 days and only one exercise session, time to
get back on track.
March 23rd, 2006
Dhrumil Purohit
I can see now so many things that I could not see before, my deep introversion, how I have come out from under some horrible self esteem issues, how my self esteem issues showed up the most in my relationships. It has taken a healthy relationship with Brooke to show me that the issue in my past relationships had less to do with the ladies in my life and more to do with my own deep seeded sense of unworthiness.
This Game has been a tough fight and I struggle with my desire to hide, not share to go back into my cave until it is all over.
I spoke yesterday with my philosophy school brother from when we we kids almost 20 years ago, Greg. I miss him. That same morning my brother and I spoke and he is signing up for Jujitsu. Oddly enough Greg has also been studying Jujitsu which I did not know. I got present to that there is something about both of them that I was always uncomfortable with. When I looked deeply I could see that they both were rule “benders”. Like Greg would bring candy to the weekend spiritual retreats up in Wallkill NY and I always thought that was wrong. What I can see now is that the reason I react the way I do to rule benders is because I am such a “rule follower”.
It is only now that I can see this rigid aspect of myself which I projected onto others all my life as my discomfort with them.
I wrote the largest and most important proposal of my career to date yesterday. I sat down to work at 5am on a call with the chairman of GAMA and besides a 1 hour workout almost did not get up from my chair until 5pm. I had the advantage of knowing that I was clearing the decks before leaving to speak and that I didn’t want my mind occuppied with what I hadn’t gotten done so the 12 hours was not really hard on me (amazing what imaginary little games can do to you). I now have the most important presentation of my career in front of me on Monday and as my partner Barry coached me “don’t suck”.
In 2 weeks I face my avoidance of writing the narrative for my film GAME 27 so that we can get it edited for a June release…another huge challenge for me as I avoid things I have never done and am not good at. I am also avoiding going back into the recording studio to rerecord my first song and to write and record my second. About a week after that I start shooting the television show. I gave up my end of game prize of time off because it was the only time available to train the kids. I must come up with an even better prize than I had planned because I can already
feel some inner resentment towards myself building up. Presenting to the leadership of the insurance industry globally, writing my film, shooting the television show…the next 21 days will have a huge impact on the course of my company, my career, The Game and the difference that I can make in the lives of others…as Barry said “a really bad time to suck”.
Pray for me.
March 18th, 2006
Sarano Kelley
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